Word of advice for all you folks with parents who are getting older: even if your life is getting busier w/ kids and whatnot, sit down with your parents and begin discussions on how to plan for management of their assets NOW (before they need it).
- Earlier this year, I worked with my parents to setup a trust to allow transfer of their assets w/o having to go through probate (which can be super expensive in some states like CA and a PITA in others). It also set me up with medical and durable POA so I can make decisions on their behalf.
- My mom was a CPA and worked as an accountant for her whole life so while I was low-key worried about how she was managing her finances, she'd been doing it for my parents for 50+ years so I wasn't super worried. Well, it was one of those things that "worked until it didn't"; she found it hard to concentrate and taxes weren't getting filed. My parents/friends always preferred to visit me in SF so I had no reason to fly back to TX for 7+ years.
- My dad asked me to come out this past 4th of July so I cut my visit to my MIL short (my wife/kid went ahead) and planned to spend 4 days sorting out paperwork. It turned out that I needed every bit of those 4 days to go through the 5+ file cabinets along with papers stacked up randomly around the house and filed in multiple desks. It was exhausting looking for the peanuts in elephant shit. I scanned what I needed, filed the necessary stuff in a single cabinet of ONE file cabinet, and the rest ended up filling half a commercial dumpster or went to a professional shredder (9+ bankers boxes).
- My dad is now focused on taking my mom to a senior center to get more adult interaction (he hangs out with his buddies), I still have a bit more work (EVERY BANK has a slightly different procedure for validating the POA as they dealt with 12+ banks and most people -- but not all -- are sympathetic)., I can sleep easier now that I'm actively reducing the # of banks/CCs/etc. I'm dealing with, setup e-statements which go to a new email address, and my parents can just focus on living their lives vs managing their real estate/paying bills/etc.
- I'm also glad that financially, there's enough to take care of them. I know this is a LOT harder if the child/children have to help their parents financially.
Lessons learned
- Warning signs: my mom printed EVERYTHING or SAVED everything financial related. When my mom asked me for another laser toner cartridge, I should have taken that as a red flag (who uses one up, anyway?)
- Clone your parents google profile on your device. Old people forget passwords and reset them all the time. Therefore, enable yourself with access to get the latest logins.
- Setup e-statements, billing notifications, and auto-pay yourself. My mom did it mostly successfully, but honestly she paid more late fees in the last 1.5 years than in the previous 45. This always bugged her in the past and therefore (since she taught me all of this) it bugs me as well.
- Its sad to see how many services prey on old people. For some reason, with their last HVAC install, they had talked her into a monthly maintenance plan at $40/mo. They paid $480 over a year and didn't get shit (I don't think they even got the filters swapped).
- Now, I know not every family is as open with finances as my own BUT you can pitch it as another pair of eyes to help them monitor their finances. You can still setup POA so that if something bad does happen (car accident, etc). you can step in immediately and help while one/both are incapacitated. Dig your well now before you are thirsty.
- Ever try to do 2FA (read these 6 digits from a text message while on the phone) from another state when your parents can barely use the phone? Adding your number as a 2FA option helps. Don't even get me started with "click this link and take pictures of your ID/selfie" that some banks require. That necessitates calling a friend to help them out.
Next Steps
- This WILL be hard. However, doing this when your parents can assist in getting things setup (from simply sharing logins and setting up POA all the way to full financial management like I'm doing for mom/dad) and putting together a spreadsheet to document all of their bank accts, bills, doctors, and other necessary details.
- My MIL is a few years younger than my parents and always pushed back on our offers of help; I chalk it to a bit of WASP-iness (my wife is adopted) but after visiting my parents, we quickly realized (and she did too) that she needs help as well. Her tracking system is that if someone mails her a notification (Auto registration is due), she'll take care of it but there wasn't a tracking. This is why she was driving around with plates that expired in 2023.
- Just before we left (and we got the registration sorted), she admitted she needed help. Some geriatric social media (I'm guessing its "The Facebook") recommended a Next of Kin box. She had put one together which is merely a bankers box with some worksheets which are supposed to tell us where assets are and who the dog's vet is. We politely explained that this does us little good when its a) always out of date and b) in another state. While her finances were much simpler, I ended up scanning everything necessary to build a more modern (and backed up online) spreadsheet documenting her details.
- Things I found with her (besides the registration F-up): several of her bills were set to bill monthly and would charge $2-6/payment for the privilege. She has enough to pay the bills off annually so this feels like another nickel-and-dime the old people thing. Her auto insurance felt high and didn't seem to be optimized for her needs (mileage too high, liability cap too low for the single riskiest activity she does, different company from her homeowners). She also didn't have an accountant but instead relied on some old neighbor who was an enrolled agent with H&R block. This clown, despite getting the prior tax returns, somehow forgot to take in depreciation when filing taxes which included her rental property. This is literally one of the most basic things to deduct (and ask about if its missing) when dealing with rental property.
Sigh. I've fully joined the sandwich generation. No one likes being here (taking care of minor children and aging parents) but you gotta do it. In commiserating with friends who are of the same age/stage in life as me, its always easier to do this NOW than later. One told me he needed to take the FLMA and spent nearly 3 months clearing out his mom's house when she passed so in comparison, this last trip to my parents was a walk in the park.
For those of you here who are older, i would encourage you to reach out to your kids (if they aren't fuckups) and give them visibility so it will be easier for them to step in when its finally necessary. Even before you kick it, my parents are enjoying the whole idea that they don't have to worry about this stuff anymore since they essentially have a "family office" (aka me), to take care of their shit and they can now focus on social things (which are equally important as you age).
PS. make sure your parents/elderly relations get DAILY social interaction beyond just their spouse and wear their hearing aids. Both of these are HUGE factors in why my mom's mental acuity declined in the past few years. Without constant stimulation, the brain weakens like any other muscle.
PSS. Among my parents investments was in some pipeline they bought a share in from their brokerage that generated a Schedule-K1, the same paperwork I get for having interest in a private business. My mom's share of the profits in 2024 in this investment as per the K1? $4. Fuck that extra paperwork. I sold that immediately. Such a small stake is not worth the aggravation and/or additional tax filing costs.
